


The Hypotheticals of Homosexuality

by Marionette_Ame



Category: Noblesse (Manhwa)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, Suicidal Thoughts, please read the notes for further warnings before deciding to read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-09-24 13:27:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20359255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marionette_Ame/pseuds/Marionette_Ame
Summary: Ignes hates Raskreia. That's all. She doesn't know why, and she wishes she didn't care to know either but she does. It eats at her.





	The Hypotheticals of Homosexuality

**Author's Note:**

> This fic contains some suicidal thoughts, rape (male on female), and homophobic thoughts. Though none of it is graphic, it is present throughout the piece and shouldn't be read if it disturbs you.

She sits at her little table, alone. Her parents left her here and she needs to wait until they come back to pick her up from “kindergarten”. Weird word. She likes it. There's something nice about how it sounds, though she stops saying it out loudly when the tall woman standing in the front of the room gives her the same look her father does whenever he doesn't like what she’s doing. Instead she repeats it under her breath, hushed, slow, _musical_.

It distracts her from her fear.

There are many what ifs she could be thinking of. Like ‘what if mama and papa won't come back?’. Or ‘what if I get lost and when they come they can't find me'. And ‘what if, what if, what if,’ this or ‘what if, what if, what if' that.

She doesn't think of any of those though, because she's too busy thinking of how pretty a word ‘kindergarten’ is. When she spelled it with a d this morning mama had corrected her saying, “T, like turtle, not d, honey,” and she'd been amazed ever since. A t even though it sounds like a d? That was one of the coolest things she'd ever heard of!

So of course she has to repeat it again and again and again. What if she forgets it? No! That would be horrible! That's why she keeps her head down and focuses only on saying the word.

She doesn't pay attention to anyone speaking or the other children playing. She doesn't notice everyone sitting down. And she most definitely doesn't notice the giggles or whispers or stares directed at her (and it's better that way because if she sees them she'll get sad and when she’s sad she stays in her room and lies on the bed staring at the ceiling with all the pretty stars her mother, not mama, had painted for her. and she'll stare and stare and stare and won't get any sleep so the next day papa will scold her until mama scolds _him_ for scolding her. then she'll be happy because she knows mama loves her even if papa doesn't) because she’s busy.

She only looks up when the tall woman calls out “Ignes Kravei,” the same way people do when they're angry at her. Dull eyes, pallid face, she stares.

She's scared.

Softly, so nobody hears her shaking, she asks, “Yes?”

The woman just nods, and then when she thinks she's going to get scolded she just says, “Why don't you tell everyone a little about yourself?”

“Oh um I, my favourite thing is playing in the pool. And-" she perks up as she speaks -"I like fishes! And dolphins and whales!”

She likes sharks too but people always laugh like she’s making some sort of funny joke. She doesn't like that so she doesn't say it.

After her the tall woman calls other names and they say things too. Ignes listens carefully, trying to remember everything because she knows people get mad when you make them say something more than one time.

Later, when they're told they can play she decides to talk to everybody. But when she goes up to a boy she realises she's forgotten his name. She remembers some names (like Rozaria and the cute girl who clings onto her who's called Ludis) but this boy likes fishes too so she wanted to talk to him.

It doesn't matter now that she's forgotten. If she asks for his name he'll be mad, and she doesn't approach anyone else because she's probably forgotten their names too (even though she chants the names she does remember she doesn't wanna talk to them or they're too pretty for her to talk to.)

Clutching her suspenders (that mama bought for her because papa only got her stuffy dresses that she wore so he wouldn't be upset), Ignes stares at the ground. She wants to go to a corner or sit at her seat but everyone's running everywhere and it's too hard to move so she stays where she is.

“Did something bad happen?”

The girl who asks her that is called Lusar which sounds like a boy's name but her mama's friend's sister also has a boy's name even though she's a girl so it's fine. Anyway, Lusar is wearing a dress so of course she's a girl.

“I'm okay.”

“Hmm-" Lusar squints at her and pouts. “Okay is okay then. Rozaria says you should play with us!”

“O...kay?”

She gets dragged from her spot, and they play and it's kinda fun because when mama comes to pick her up she doesn't wanna leave. Still, she likes mama too so she runs into her arms and sits in the car with the safety belt.

Mama asks about ‘her day’ and Ignes tells her about the cute girlfriends she has now. When there's laughing she's confused, but unlike other people mama doesn't laugh to make fun of her so she's happy. That's why, even if she doesn't know the reason, she laughs too.

* * *

After classes are over Ignes goes to the park with her friends. Mama will pick her, and Luciene and Margherita, up from there after work. Papa doesn't because he's busy.

By now Ignes has more friends. There's Claudia and Karias who are older than them, and the ones who're younger like her siblings and everyone else's siblings. There are others who come who aren't really her friends like Kei and Rajak but they're her friends’ friends so she's nice to them and they're nice to her too.

They've all been friends for years now so she knows Lusar and Ludis aren't girls, which is weird. Lusar is always wearing skirts and dresses even though those are for girls, yet he says he's a boy, and when the teachers tried to stop him his father came. Nobody knew what he said but afterwards the adults let him wear his clothes without saying anything. They only glared.

Like always, she goes to a swing and sits on it, with Luciene clambering up onto the one beside it. Rozaria pushes her brother and he giggles as he goes up but Margherita stands vigilantly nearby in case he falls and cries. She's clutching onto Claudia's hand as her eyes follow Luciene's movements, and Ignes feels a spark of jealousy. She's jealous of Claudia but also of Margherita and even Luciene. It's for a million different things. It’s bad to be jealous of others so she just ignores it, and stays quiet.

Ignes plays by herself, pushing off with her feet and going up, up, and down and again up. Sometimes, on some days, she falls off too, but only when she forgets to hold on.

“You know, I think when I'm older I wanna get married!” Rozaria says that happily. In class earlier they were talking about future jobs and what everyone wants to be but this is outside of that.

Karias nods at what Rozaria says and Luciene smiles happily. “If I get married I wanna be to someone as pretty as mama!”

She thinks he's looking at someone but it's probably Seira because aside from her nobody's that pretty. Except their cousins. You can't marry your cousin though, even if Janna and Feng Mian are really cute.

Listening to everyone talking about marriage as she plays, she feels her chest tighten. She thinks she likes older men, like papa, but she can't marry papa.

“I don't think I want to get married when I grow up,” Ignes says quietly.

Someone gasps and she wishes she didn't speak. Then Raskreia talks and she knows she shouldn't have spoken.

“Everyone gets married, all our parents did. So when we're older we have to as well.”

Claudia flinches at that but nobody notices except Margherita, and she pets her hand, the older girl smiling down at her. The two ignore the conversation like Ignes wishes she could.

She simply listens to everyone continue on, thinking about how much she hates Raskreia. Because getting married means meeting a boy you like but she's only met Lusar and that's because he's not really a boy because boys don't wear dresses.

Maybe she'll meet one someday. If she doesn't though, then she won't get married.

She, really hates Raskreia.

* * *

“We should go to the movies tomorrow. Just us.”

Ignes hesitates. The boy asking her out isn't bad she supposes. She knows Rozaria thinks he's cute and that he's a nice person. And, she likes it when people talk to _her_, and care about _her_, and give _her_ attention.

Most importantly, Raskreia is behind him, listening and looking upset. She must like him and if she likes him then Ignes will make sure she doesn't get him. Seeing Raskreia happy with other people… it makes her upset.

“Okay. I'd like that.”

When she's home, at the dinner table with the family, she decides to tell everyone. It's the proper thing to do and it's safer if they know where she's going in case something happens.

“I'm going to the cinema tomorrow.”

“Oh! Can we go too?” Luciene asks her, his long hair bouncing up and down with him. He's wearing a skirt, a really pretty one, and by now she's learnt that boys can wears skirts too. That clothes don't mean that you're a boy or a girl.

Margherita turns to her as well, face cold as always but eyes bright. “There's this superhero movie where almost everyone in the main cast is female. We wanna see it.”

“Can't. I'm going with a classmate. He said he wanted us to be alone.”

Mama hums and asks, “You know it's a date right?”

“Yeah. That's why I accepted.”

Margherita and Luciene stare at her wide-eyed before whispering to each other. Mama blinks twice, pausing from the meal.

“Are you sure you want to go then? Boys aren't the on-"

“Let her be Edian. She's old enough to try out dating.”

Mama frowns at papa as he speaks, and rolls her eyes. She doesn't say anything else but it's obvious she's upset at him because she's stabbing the food with a fork and he cringes at the clinks against the plate.

“Edian there's no need to sulk. It's just-"

“Shut up-" and papa does- “You didn't listen to everything I said so don't assume you know what I meant Roctis. We'll talk later, you've made it clear we need to.”

Ignes just stays quiet and so do the twins. This happens every now and then when papa doesn't respect mama, and they all know she's the one who was insulted so she has every right to be upset. They're all just happy that their parents don't argue loudly, or in front of them, or hate each other. They just argue sometimes. It's nice that their parents love each other, and they know they do because later that night they're cuddled up on the sofa in front of the television.

Next morning she wonders if she's supposed to wear something nice, so she asks Luciene but he hesitates before giving her one of his dresses. She's not sure why, maybe he's afraid she'll spill something on it. It wouldn't be the first time she'd done that to avoid company.

At the cinema (the one at the mall and not near her house. she hasn't been here before because she only ever goes with her family and sometimes Claudia. though she supposes in a strange way she's family too. she’s close enough to be even if it’s not by blood) she waits at the entrance. Tugging at her dress, she watches until she sees the boy coming, and waves at him. She’s nervous, probably because this is her first date.

When they go in to get tickets she wants the one that Margherita mentioned yesterday, but he wants some horror movie so she stays quiet and agrees. Because there's time until it starts, he takes her to the arcade and they play some of the games. He compliments her when she manages to get a higher score than him and it feels kinda good. She thinks she might like him. Why else would she feel so happy?

They get so caught up in playing that they have to run to the cinema. Ten minutes late. It's fine though, the ads are playing so they haven't missed anything. The movie itself isn't really scary. Not for her anyway. It's boring actually, she decides as the boy clings to her.

Ignes wants to shy away from his touch, it's weird when he clutches onto her like this, but it's obvious he's terrified. His pupils are tiny, his skin clammy, and he's near tears. So she doesn't move because she doesn't want to be mean. Anyway, she'll get used to it, they're dating after all.

It's definitely true that they are. That's why he leant in at the end of the movie and kissed her. She had just let him, and hadn't really done anything. Why should she? Just sitting there and letting him kiss her, that's how things went normally right?

It's how it went the next six years.

She'd let him kiss her, hold hands, hug her. When they both turned eighteen, she'd have sex too. Just blankly letting him do everything, and only doing what he asked her to, or what she thought she was supposed to do. She thought, whenever she was under him, ‘I'll marry him, and die with him.’

He moved to a different city for college during the time. She would visit him, and everytime she was in the train she would find herself wondering if it would crash this time. It never did, so she just spent the night with him and then went back home, thinking the same thing.

When she is in her campus one day, she sees Raskreia pass by with another girl. They’re holding hands, and Raskreia is laughing. Her stomach churns at that. She still hates her, hates seeing her happy (she doesn't know why, but she doesn't think it’s fair. how can she be happy when Ignes isn't? it doesn't make sense. she wants to know why Raskreia is allowed such joy when she isn't), and hates how the two are kissing. Two women kissing? That isn't proper. It isn't proper at all (because papa would be unhappy at seeing it. and if papa doesn't like something then it’s wrong.)

* * *

Figuring things out is hard. Most of the time when she's in bed thinking about things, her mind wanders to Raskreia and she's unable to think about anything else. So every night she tries to sleep but can't and that just makes Ignes hate her more.

Even when she's with her boyfriend, her mind goes to Raskreia. The woman consumes her thoughts, her days, her life. It's horrendous.

She doesn't even see her often. They're still ‘friends' so she spends time with her when Rozaria or Claudia invite her, or when her mother does because she's her co-worker's daughter. Otherwise, Ignes spends most of her time in the labs, under the tutelage of Claudia's father. Basically, she's like his apprentice, so only rarely does Raskreia even come within her vision.

Yet everytime she does, she suffers.

Ignes can't focus when she's around. She goes still, and keeps her eyes on the other woman, afraid that something will happen if she looks away. Her heart beats so fast, so hard, that she can't hear anything. She can't speak, can barely breathe.

Once when Raskreia had come to her lab to talk to Professor Lagus for a ‘survey' (a lie. it was to torment her. It must have been), she had ended up ruining all her work. All because she had been distracted. Then she'd had to do everything again and it had been a pain and that must have been what she'd really come to do. After all, she had stared at Ignes the entire time, eyes so dark that she couldn't discern if they were brown or grey.

Though she can't figure out why she's so terrified of Raskreia, she thinks she should at least be able to ignore her. But she can't. And everytime Ignes thinks of her, she's filled with resentment.

How dare she take up all her time? How dare she invade her life? What did Ignes ever do to her? _What does she want? _

Often she ends up leaving her pillow damp because she can't answer these questions. It hurts her. She can't find an answer to it and the frustration leads to migraines, injuries, tears. She's broken a leg because she wasn't paying attention (though she hadn't hated it as much as she thought she would. sure, she couldn't do as much work as she wanted had to, but everyone had fawned over her).

Yet, yet, yet. It's been six years that she's been with her boyfriend. Six years, and _yet_, when he kisses her, she wonders if Raskreia kisses better.

It brings about a horrifying revelation, but her boyfriend doesn't notice anything. Even as she starts to wish she could know if all this was better with Raskreia. When she's under him later, instead of staring off like she always does, not paying attention, she imagines Raskreia in his place.

Except it doesn't work. Because despite everything, she can't imagine Raskreia hurting her like this. Doesn't think it's possible she wouldn't realise something was wrong. She thinks, things would probably feel a lot better if it was her in his place.

When she's scrubbing herself clean (like she always does after she's with him. she just wants to be clean, and being with him always leaves her so dirty. it never does feel like she did before she started dating him. like her body isn't who she is anymore. that she and her body are two different people. she wonders if she’ll die if her body does) she ends up on the floor of the tub crying. She wants to scream, break something, but she can't so she just whimpers with her hands tight over her mouth. Water continues to pound down her back, and it drowns out her voice.

It's not fair, she wants to say, but she already knows life isn't fair. That she'll never really get to do what she wants. She's good at science, but she never wanted to do that, she'd have preferred something to do with art. She's the oldest, the one who's always been the best at everything because she's wanted her parents' love, but papa only sees her as a disappointment. Even though nobody comes close to her level, even though she's never failed, she's never good enough. Mama loves her, but it's not the same. She'd love her no matter what.

She wants to be with Raskreia, or even if it isn't her, with a woman. With someone she can actually love. With someone that doesn't make her want to cry, want to die, just by being with him. She wants to be with a woman, because then she wouldn't hate herself, but she can't.

Because then papa would be upset. He'd be disappointed in her. No. It wouldn't be that tame. He'd hate her.

Her relationship with her boyfriend is the one thing he's proud of about her. If she doesn't have even that, won't she mean nothing to him?

So her feelings don't matter. She'll get married to her boyfriend one day, they'll have kids, and she'll hate herself.

* * *

Ignes sits at the dining table, eyes wide. Mama doesn't seem surprised, Margherita definitely isn't, and papa?

She sneaks a glance at him and he’s smiling. Smiling? How can he be smiling.

Luciene brought back home a man, and he had laughed and proclaimed that he was his boyfriend. And papa is fine with it? That, can't be right, can it?

But it is. And he _is_ fine with it. All this time, she had thought he didn't approve of these sort of relationships. That the way Luciene holds his boyfriend's hand across the table, that the way he looks at him in adoration, that the way the man gently kisses him, isn't proper. But she's the one who assumed wrong.

So now she really can scream? Can she say things are unfair now? No. She can't. This is a happy occasion and she doesn't want to ruin it.

Instead she smiles and giggles and the enjoys herself. This means she can break up with her boyfriend. It means even if papa is disappointed, she doesn't need to care. It's freeing.

At night, she drags mama to her room and before Ignes can say anything, she speaks.

“Will you finally break up with him?”

She sits on her bed silent for a moment. Mama had never liked her boyfriend for some reason, she'd always tried to talk to her, and started conversations, but Ignes ignored her every time. It seems she had known the entire time, and it seems she should have listened to her.

She nods, and quietly asks, “Can you come with me this weekend?”

“Of course.” Mama smiles, and hugs her, and they talk about other things, better things.

For some reason mama takes her swords with her when they leave. Papa has a strange look on his face, and pats her shoulder and says, “Good luck.”

She supposes that means mama told him she's a lesbian (it's a nice word. a really nice word. she likes using it and she doesn't want to be called by any other word) because she told him why she was going with her and he didn't ask why. He's not against it either.

Mama buys tickets instead of using the metro cards and it's kinda weird but also fun. It feels new, like she's going to have a new life from now on. One she'll actually like.

For the first time in years she doesn't wonder whether the train will crash.

Her boyfriend (soon to be ex and the thought is making her fidget. it's exciting) welcomes them when they arrive at his apartment and she gets straight to the point.

“I want to break up.” She doesn't say more because she doesn't want to.

He looks her in the eye and his voice is hissed. Angry. More to the point than hers.

“_Bitch_.”

Ignes flinches. Then suddenly he has a rapier to his neck. A very sharp rapier. Another is by his gut, pressing against his clothes and skin but not piercing through.

She can see him gulp as mama starts to trace the rapier down, down, down. He tries to look at it, but mama smiles and presses the rapier at his neck against his flesh.

“I think you misspoke earlier. Why don't you repeat with better enunciation.”

“I’m sorry.”

Mama's smile widens.

“Hmm? What for?”

“I-I'm sorry for calling her a-" he gulps- “bitch.”

Mama chuckles and lowers her rapiers, and she hears a relieved sigh as mama turns to leave with her. He sneers at her back but then she's looking back at him with a rapier slashing at his leg. Ignes wrinkles her nose (not at the blood because she can't even smell that) and mama takes her arm to leave for real this time.

She can hear him groaning, and wants to go back because he’s hurt and they should help but mama shakes her head. She says he can take care of a shallow cut like that himself, and that if he couldn’t even tell she never wanted to be with him even though it was obvious (because Ignes had told her everything and mama had seemed angry at the time. and she was definitely angry now), he doesn't deserve any sympathy.

Still, she feels guilty.

“Won't he file a case against us? For assault?”

“No. Even if he does he won't win. And I can bring up the fact that he's a-" mama's eyes narrow and she doesn't say it.

Ignes is glad she doesn't because she wasn't actually raped. Not really. It's not like she ever said no.

She doesn't think about how he never asked.

* * *

Luciene had dragged the entire family to a party. More specifically, Raskreia's father's party. She'd say his name but it's long and she doesn't remember it except for ‘Ashoka' but she can't refer to him by it because it might be his first name.

She's sitting sandwiched between Lusar (who has the prettiest dress she's seen so far. even better than Luciene's, and she compliments him) and Ludis who talk happily with her. Rozaria had been here before too, in fact she was the one who had called her over, her bright hair obvious as she waved enthusiastically at her. Now though, she's gone off with Seira.

“You know, Ria asked my cutie patootie, my lil lamb, my adorbs baby sis out yesterday,” Lusar says conspiratorially, “They're probably making out or something.”

Ludis rolls his eyes and Ignes grins.

“You want to kiss someone too?” She knows him well enough so he giggles and nods. “If I go look for Margherita you two can be as gross as you want. Safe for work gross.”

Lusar laughs loudly at that and Ludis sighs, smiling.

“You can stay, Lusar's need for kisses is insatiable. I can try satisfying him another time.”

“No. Margherita's probly doing something dumb anyway. Like flirting with a tree or your parents.”

“Oh she def is!” Lusar smiles proudly. “She said earlier she was going to kidnap Mo Chou from Mister Zarga without making her cry.”

“...”

Ignes walks away quickly. She's pretty sure Ludis just smacked Lusar but that's not her problem. He's the one who's going to have to deal with all the whining.

She searches everywhere for her sister but she doesn't see her. She does see uncle Zarga and her cousins and Claudia panicking though, and tells them it's Margherita's fault Momo is missing. That's that dealt with.

She would continue searching but her mother's calling her, and telling her to come meet Raskreia's father. Strangely enough, she's never met him until now. When she does, she realises why.

He's tall. Very tall. Even taller than her father, and he has long blond hair just like Luciene's.

“Oh hello! You're Ignes then? Edian goes on and on about you.” He's smiling and he speaks a mile a minute. Much too fast for her to get anything in. Mama chuckles at the side, amused at how lost she is. A man like this, no wonder she’s never met him. Mama wouldn’t invite someone so overwhelming when she’s around. “Raskreia darling does it more though. Goes on about how cute you are and how you work so hard. Absolutely lovely to finally meet you!”

Raskreia talked about her? And said she was cute? “It's nice to meet you too.”

“Actually, since we’re speaking about her-" he turns towards the garden where Raskreia is talking to Karias and her brother- “Raskreia! Come here to talk to Ignes!”

She laughs stiffly as Raskreia (dressed like some sort of noble in white and gold with a sword on her hip) comes over but before she can say a word he's speaking again.

“Darling why don't you take a walk with Ignes here. A nice long walk. Take the time to share a heart-rending confession, maybe propose? I do want some grandchildren soon and you do have a crush on her.”

Ignes doesn't process anything he says until Raskreia is leading her through a maze. Why do they have a maze? A sword instructor shouldn't be this rich.

“You have a crush on me?” She'll ask about why they're so rich later.

Raskreia blushes, but doesn't look away from her. Actually, was she staring at her this entire time? Well, she’s always done that, just like how Ignes has always done that. If that's the case, wouldn't that mean she's liked her since they were kids too?

“Yes. I do.”

“And that's why you talk about me all the time and say I'm cute?”

Raskreia's blush deepens and she looks stunning as they walk between tall walls of foliage. It's not the usual hedges, but wild plants allowed to grow high so there's something much more inviting about this place than others.

“Father told you that?”

“Mhm.” She nods, then, as they stop underneath the cool shade of a tree, she looks at how Raskreia is even prettier with the sun's rays and the shadows draping over her haphazardly. It's like they're fighting over her.

“I like you too.”

Eyes widening, Raskreia asks, “You do? Aren't you interested in men?”

“I thought I was but, I'm not. I'm a lesbian. S'just that I didn't know it. And you know. Once I did, I thought it meant I could finally like you. If I like women, then I can hold your hand as more than a friend. I can kiss you. And I thought that, if I'm gay, you could be my girlfriend.”

Raskreia stares at her, frozen, then she kneels on one knee, solemn. She's a sight, looking like a knight with the sword by her side, and though Ignes doesn't feel like a princess, and doesn't want to be one, she's flattered. Especially since she's only wearing a hoodie and tights.

“My lady, may I pledge allegiance to you? I wish to stay by your side my entire life.”

Now it's Ignes whose cheeks go red. This is so much, it's more than anything anyone's ever done for her, and she plays along.

“Yes,” she says, smiling. She offers her hand and Raskreia takes it, kissing the back of it gently. It makes her shiver, and she likes the feeling. “You don't need to kneel.”

When Raskreia stands, she presses another kiss on the palm of her hand and this time she giggles. It's really nice, and her heart is beating fast. She doesn't protest as Raskreia caresses her face, thumb ghosting over her lashes.

She comes nearer and nearer, holding her tight, until their foreheads touch and she can hear her breathing. They stay there like that, silent, and Raskreia looks at her so lovingly with those eyes of hers. A soft dark brown compared to her own lighter ones. It's a new experience, one that makes her breath stutter, and stomach flutter.

“May I?” Raskreia murmurs so quiet that it can only be heard by her because they're this close.

“Yes,” Ignes says, and when she feels lips against hers, for the first time, she kisses back.


End file.
